Fluvial Autopoiesis (On Self-Change)

February 12, 2025 by hhh

My friend Julie said she wanted to know how I think about self-change, so I am going to write about it. The gist of it is to choose which direction you want to change in, and then move in it as gradually as possible. I have really only been thinking in this way for a couple years, but I am a dramatically different person (in many intentional ways!) than the one I used to be, so I think it works pretty well for me.

Orienting

I start by identifying the thing I want to change, and deciding the new way I am going to be. This is generally pretty broad. I think the exact definition/boundaries of the change are less important here than the vibe of the change. I kind of just focus on the difference between the vibe of who I currently am and who I want to be. Some changes that I have identified in the past are:

“I want to be a better listener”
“I want to be more aware of my feelings”
“I want to be a runner”

Sometimes this brings up emotions that inform the next stage. I think that is good. I think self-change should be informed by how different parts of the self feel about changing. Something that can go wrong here is desiring change without actually identifying a direction to change in. In my experience, this can lead to erratic behavior.

Daydreaming

This might be the most vital part of the whole process.

How would I show up in the world if I was this new version of myself?
What would it feel like to be me?
What sort of decisions would this new me find easy?

This can be a magical exercise if given space and energy. Some proposed changes to Harper die in this state. Maybe I don’t actually want this thing I thought I did, because the ways I imagine it feeling in practice seem horrible, really. The things that I want to be generally feel great. I think it is important that they feel Good And In Harmony with the new vibe-identity that was created above, since that is one of the main things that contributes to low friction in the next stage.

Daydreaming is not something I was great at when I was younger, but I have developed the skill significantly as an adult because it feels so necessary for the way that I bring new versions of myself into existence. I think a potential failure mode of this stage is telling people about it, but I don’t think telling people about it is bad. In particular, telling people about something you’re gonna do often creates energy and accountability if you care about having integrity to your word. People will generally react positively: “Oh, you’re gonna do that thing? That’s so cool! I can’t wait to see.” The problem is taking that praise and not doing anything with it. It feels great for a bit, but if you don’t actually do the thing, then you have effectively told a lie. This is a great growth edge for me, as I have done a lot of saying I am going to do things that I don’t end up doing in my life. One of my current changes that I am bringing into existence is being better at following through, which is part of why I am writing this down right now. Anyways.

Noticing & Deciding

After daydreaming for a bit, I am able to start pattern-matching in everyday life. At decision time, I will find myself naturally noticing how a changed version of myself might act. This is why the daydreaming part is so magical: it makes an embryonic version of changed-me exist in my head. All I have to do to birth that version is act how she would act. If the previous stages have been given enough energy and space, this tends to be surprisingly easy. I already know how I could act, what I would be like if I acted that way, and that I want to be that way. All I have to do is choose the new path.

Something that can go wrong at this stage is the classic messy thing that happens during self-change: cognitive dissonance! If the new self and the current self would act dramatically differently, there might be some parts of the current self that get activated during the decision process. These parts can contribute to actions that are out of alignment with how the changed self would act. The solution to this is to have the version of the changed self that exists in your imagination and the parts that are activated hash it out. Once they reach agreement, the changed self can continue being born. This is easiest if you change a little bit at a time. Big changes cause greater self-dissonance, which is harder to resolve.

Incorporating

Lastly, I change the way I think about myself to be harmonious with the new way of being. Recently I have greatly enjoyed doing this through art, because it is a tangible version of who I am. Making art after changing, I feel I can notice the differences in how the art comes into existence versus how it would have in the past. This is really cool, and then the spaces that I exist in can be adorned with the art to seal the deal. I often find some melancholy here. One of my favorite motifs is molting; it makes me happy to think about. This stage is looking at the new shell and the cast-off one and saying, “This is my new shell which I grew for myself and I love.” And also thanking the old shell and acknowledging that you grew it too, once. I will probably get a crab tattoo about this.

I think being perceived by others can also help a lot in this stage. I fed a few years of my diary to Claude a while ago and one of the interesting things Claude observed is that most of the changes I make to the way I exist are noticed by other people before I incorporate them into my self-model. This usually feels really good, because I get to go back to the daydream thoughts and feelings and go, “That’s me now!” It’s a special experience to meet someone new and have them tell you that you are a way you once decided to be. Also, if I told people I was going to change, then I get the joy of knowing I followed through on something I said.